Tell Don't Ask - It's time

Well, we promised this topic a while back and now we're going to let you in on one of the biggest secrets of discipline for young children. Tell them what to do. Figure out what you want them to do and then tell them.

Sounds simple, but too often parents fall into the bad habit of ASKING a child to do something that really is not negotiable.

Here are some examples:

• "Do you want to pick up your toys now?" Of course they don't. They want you to do it or they want to leave the toys on the stairs or in the dog bed.
• "Can you please put on your coat so we can go?" This has a 50-50 chance of working. If they want to go, they may comply, but if not, oh boy.
• "Could you stop hitting your sister?" Well, they could, but do they want to?

You get the point.

There is one magic phrase that is so fabulous I don't know why we don't tattoo it on our palms before we take our babies home from the birth. It's called, "It's Time."

"It's time" is a neutral, matter-of-fact statement that does not place blame, induce conflict or invite negotiation. It can make a child feel secure that you are the adult and you know what's going to happen.

So let's see how this sounds in real life:

• "It's time to pick up your toys."
• "It's time to put on your coat."
• "It's time to go to bed."

When using these phrases you can vary the tone in your voice, make things sound fun, and be upbeat and encouraging. These are things they need to do, but they don't have to be unpleasant.

Did you notice we didn't use "it's time" when there is a safety issue?

• "Could you stop hitting your sister?" would become "Stop hitting your sister."
• "Please get out of the road" becomes "Get out of the road."

Try this little exercise: Stand up in front of a mirror and set your feet hip width apart. Cross your arms and lean forward slightly with your upper body. Fix your gaze on a point (about kid eye-level) and make your face as neutral as possible. Raise your eyebrows slightly. You now have an "I'm in charge" face. This is the face and body posture you use when you're making statements that involve safety and seriousness. Practice this as much as you can.

Don't be afraid to be the boss. There is a time when you can be your kids' friend - it's called college. For now, you gotta be the bad guy and lay down the law. It makes your kids more secure, better able to make choices later on and much more ready for life's challenges.

What are your magic phrases? Send us a comment and let us know what works for you.

How To Succeed in Kindergarten Without Really Trying

Many of our preschool parents are shopping for Kindergartens this spring. In Anchorage, we have the closest thing to school choice available, with lots of alternative elementary schools for parents to choose from.

We have anything from language immersion or optional to Waldorf / Montessori focused programs. You can also go to the neighborhood school in your zone. A lot of parents choose to enter the lottery system and get their child into a more specialized curriculum. Does this all sound confusing? Well, the Anchorage School District Web site has the details: www.asdk12.ak.us.

What's difficult about making the transition to Kindergarten (besides the fact that your kid is growing up) is that you realize they will be thrown into a new environment with new rules and huge crowds at lunch time. Rest assured that the transition is usually much more difficult for the parents. Add to that the pressure of actually choosing the school your child will spend the next six to seven years.

There are some tips to selecting the best school for your child, and they're similar to the way you would pick a preschool.

• Go there. There's no substitute for visiting the school first.
• See the environment and imagine your child there. Is the room small or unfriendly to children? Are there age-appropriate toys and interesting art on the wall?
• Talk to the principal. Find out if their school has multiple programs (some schools have an alternative wing and a "neighborhood" program in the same building.
• Ask about enrichment opportunities: Most elementary students get one hour of art twice a month and music once a week or less.
• Talk to other parents. This can usually be done at the introductory meeting or group tours.
• Enter as many lotteries and waiting lists as you can. You may not get your first choice, so have a backup plan.

We would also caution you to realize that Kindergarten will not be the same as preschool. Namely:

• There is not as much individual attention. Teachers in grade school will not be available during the day to talk about concerns or get updates on your child
• There will be new kids to meet and new ways to learn
• There is less time for lunch; some kids eat lunch in their snow pants so they can get outside after 20 minutes allotted eating time
• There is more structure and a lot more moving around
• They get a lot more independence and meet new people and learn more about the world

A lot of parents want to know if preschool is preparing their child for Kindergarten. Many people think this means memorizing the alphabet and numbers, and knowing shapes and colors. We do this in our school, but our main focus is cultivating a LOVE of learning and capitalizing on the natural curiosity of children.

We asked a few Kindergarten teachers what they want your kid to be able to do by the first day of school: Dress themselves, recognize their name, walk into and out of the building on their own, carry their own belongings, and follow simple directions. They don't have to know the entire alphabet or numbers or how to classify the periodic table of elements. What preschools give your child most are social skills, so that when they are learning more complex things, they don't also have to learn basic manners and getting along with others.

Finally, don't be pressured into having a child tested to enter Kindergarten early. Most kids who do this have trouble mid-year and really struggle by 1st grade. It's much more important that a child have a positive experience in school, not an overly academic one. If a child is truly gifted, there are ways to enrich your child until they are tested for a specialized program.

Mainly, we want them to like to come to school and love learning. The rest is gravy.

Miss Tara and Miss Leah