Over the years, I've had other MMs. My friend, Lori O., was a great MM when my daughter was a baby. I was the usual first-time mom - completely nerve-wracked and operating on nothing but hormones and prenatal vitamins. Lori O. was a calming presence whenever I was freaking out. She was so confident with her own toddler and helped me overcome all kinds of anxiety about what my kid was eating, how much she weighed, whether I was making enough milk for her, and all kinds of other worries that seem so silly now. When I look at my daughter's baby pictures, she's so FAT and healthy. Which is what Lori O. always told me...
Kate is family, though, and I have long admired her kids for their tenacity, good manners, and ability to just cope with the world. They are not perfect kids, but they are relatively happy and well-adjusted kids. Two of them are in college now, both pre-med (their idea, not their parents') and the youngest one is a wonderful artist and interesting kid. They all have a well-developed sense of humor, too.
So how did she do it? Well, here's what I've noticed:
- Her kids were priority #1 for her. For a long time, she was the only one in the family who had kids and we all just had to deal with it if she had to bow out early from a family function because her kids had bed times. It wasn't until the others started having kids that we realized that Kate was right.
- She and her husband work together for the family's well-being. They discuss what's important to them, implement it with their kids, and keep a united front.
- They are self-contained fun. They stay in some nights and just play cards. Even at family reunions, they set up games in their hotel room and invite people over. I remember them forming a "Soul Train" line at my wedding, not caring if anyone else was dancing too. They wanted to dance, so they did.
- She always has high expectations for her kids. Not just making good grades, but behaving like responsible people, saying please and thank you without reminders, putting away the video game and talking to Grandpa about his book collection, and helping their friends when they needed it.
- She was never afraid to put the hammer down when the kids messed up. Sure, she felt bad when she had to punish them, but she did it anyway and then told another adult that she felt bad. She never let her kids see her sweat.
She introduced me to a term that I have since passed on to others: "Parenting from your Butt." This is the ill-advised practice of being an inactive parent by trying to get them to do what you want without getting off your butt. It could be yelling at them from your parked car to hurry up, screaming downstairs for them to go to bed, or sitting on the couch hollering at them to pick up their toys. Either way, you're parenting from your butt and need to get up and be active in shaping and molding your kids' behavior.
As a result, when kids in her small Missouri town need a safe place to hang out after school, they always went to Kate's. Why? Because she cared, she fed them and she set limits that were not negotiable. In other words, she made them feel safe.
If you don't have a parenting mentor, find one. Whenever I'm in a pickle about what to do with my kid, or trying to decide what is the right thing to do, I just imagine Kate next to me. She's in the same situation and what would she do? Then I figure, that's probably what I should do, too.
With Holiday Love,
Miss Tara
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